


When I am to die (I'll die by your side)

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Caring Hugh Culber, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heart-to-Heart, M/M, Missing Scene, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Paul Stamets Is Bad At Feelings, Post-Season/Series 03 Finale, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:07:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29079111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: When Hugh finally returns to Discovery after a very stressful day and a certified clean-bill of health, he's more than a little surprised not to find Paul anywhere around, considering how worried he was about Hugh leaving in the first place. And Paul, one of the most talkative men he knew, suddenly didn't want to say anything at all.
Relationships: Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	When I am to die (I'll die by your side)

**Author's Note:**

> So, I'm not up to season 3 yet, but I've seen this clip of them reuniting, and??? That's really not good enough for me. Like, it was sweet and all, but after all the terrible things that happened to them that episode, I think they deserve more than a smile and holding hands, you know? I just had to write this because I couldn't get it out of my head. I hope it's not too OOC, but this is honestly how I saw it. For context, imagine this scene came before the one we see with Adira, and that's when Paul had come to terms with it, and after he had spoken to it with Hugh, and had accepted what Michael did a lot more, which is why he smiled and nodded when she was promoted. I just want to make that clear haha, this is mostly an emotional release before that composed hello. Anyway, hope you like it!

It was late at night, and Hugh had finally escaped the med-bay after passing all his health checks with flying colours, but while he had escaped the ordeal with his life, he hadn't escaped all the aches and pains that came with it.

So far, he hadn't really seen many crew-members or extra Starfleet personnel in the hallways. He had spent so long under Tracy's diligent care that the exhausted crew-members had all retired to their dorms and quarters after a series of stressful days. Maybe, in the coming weeks, he would have to run a health evaluation on them, but not now.

He was standing in the near-darkness of his and Paul's shared quarters, folding the clothes that Paul had thrown all over the place in his absent haste. Hugh hadn't seen him since he returned to the ship, and nobody had looked him in the eyes or answered any of the many questions he'd asked about his whereabouts. Hugh missed him.

Paul had been unwilling to let him go on the away mission. So worried, so afraid, so desperate not to lose him a second time while he was hopeless to do anything about it. Hugh had done what he could to assure him, to dissuade his very palpable concern, but ultimately, Hugh had needed to go. Not just for the away team, but for his own confidence and independence to prove that he truly was useful.

Though Paul had relented, he hadn't been pleased. Hugh found it incredibly strange and increasingly worrying that he hadn't seen him at all since he arrived on the ship.

Maybe he was in some kind of meeting. Maybe even at counselling. Even so, Hugh tried to tamper down his worry by folding clothes in the darkness. Something mindless, something easy.

He was lost deep in thought, contemplating Su'kal and Grey and Captain Burnham, but was dragged from his thoughts from by the door to the room opening with a familiar hiss. Hugh glanced up to see Paul standing at the threshold, backlit by the artificial lights of the hallway. "Hey, sugar. Where've you been? I thought that you would have come-"

Simultaneously, he was interrupted and nearly knocked off his feet by Paul darting across the room and impacting against Hugh at full-speed, immediately wrapping his arms around him tight enough to bruise and burrowing his face in the crook of his neck, sobbing wretchedly. 

Shocked, it was all Hugh could do to wrap his arms around him in response. In all the years they've known each other, he had never seen Paul react like _this_ and had never heard him wail like he was now. In his opinion, Hugh thought that this was a significant over-reaction to his absence, but it was clear that _something_ had occurred while he was gone, so he let Paul sob into his neck and crush him to his chest and he threaded his fingers in the fair hair at the back of his head and just let him cry until his lungs ached. 

Only when Hugh's shirt was soaked through with tears and Paul's sobs had broken down into heartbroken hiccups did Hugh detach himself and gently pull Paul way. "Hey," Hugh asked softly, searching Paul's red, bloodshot eyes. "What's going on with you? I expected you to come and see me when I got to med-bay, but not in hysterics."

"I'm sorry," Paul gasped, wet and thick. "I just got back on board."

"Back?" Hugh frowned. "Back from where?"

For a long moment, Paul said nothing, and just caressed Hugh's arm with a sad, broken smile on his face. "I was so worried," he said. His voice was raw like he had been screaming. His hand on Hugh's arm was trembling. He gulped. "I thought... I thought you were _dead_."

Tutting in sympathy, Hugh reached up and cupped Paul's face with his hands. "Oh, Paul," he brushed away Paul's tears with his thumb. "I told you I was going to be OK. I know things got a little bit scary back there, but I'm alright now. Tracy cleared me with a clean bill of health."

Paul shook his head and tears began to brim in his eyes. "You don't understand," he said. "I really thought that I was going to lose you."

"Paul," Hugh tried gently, but Paul wasn't hearing a word of it. 

"We lost contact almost immediately, and then we had to back out to avoid the debris field, and then..." he trailed off, and drew a long, shaky breath. "Then _Osyraa_."

Sadly, Hugh caressed Paul's cheeks with his thumbs. "I'm sorry. That must have been terrible. I wish I was here with you."

But Paul just continued to shake his head, making these small, desperate sounds in the back of his throat. Gradually, Hugh managed to lower Paul down when he feared his legs would no longer hold him and they sunk onto the edge of the bed. Paul held onto him the whole time.

Frowning, Hugh just watched him for a moment. They had known each other for a long time, and he had _never_ seen Paul like this. There was something weighing on him, something heavy resting on his shoulders and a dark cloud that hung over him like oncoming sleet. He was holding onto Hugh as if he worried he would disappear and searching his face like he was looking for any sign that this was fake.

But there was something plainly, painfully obvious here. Hugh was a rather intuitive man, and he knew without question that something terrible had happened while he was gone.

And not a single person on the crew thought it fitting to tell him about it.

"Paul?" Hgh asked as he tilted Paul's chin up. His eyes were puffy, his face tear-stained. "Hun? What happened while I was gone?"

Sniffling, Paul pulled away slightly, rubbing impatiently at his nose. "Let's not," he forced a smile. "You're back now, and thas all that matters."

Searching his face, Hugh leaned forward to bridge the distance Paul now made between them. "Hey, don't do that. You know you can tell me anything. What happened when I was gone?"

For some reason, Paul wouldn't meet his eyes. "I don't want to talk about it," he said quietly. "Besides, it doesn't matter."

"There's obviously something bothering you, Paul. Don't try and deflect it," Hugh tilted his head as he tried to follow Paul's trailing gaze. "If it matters to you, then it matters to me. But I'm not going to push if you don't want to talk about it. But you know that you can always come to me if something is wrong, right?"

"Right, of course," Paul forced another strained, unconvincing smile that came off to Hugh as more of a grimace. He suddenly sniffled and wiped hastily at his face, almost frustrated like. "Look at me, crying my eyes out like a rejected teen at prom. I'm a mess."

"Yeah, I've never seen you like this," Hugh observed, gently caressing the back of Paul's hand. "It would be cute if I wasn't so worried."

Sniffling, Paul smiled dryly. "It's been a long and stressful day. Nothing to worry about."

Unsurprisingly, Hugh was not convinced. Paul had a strange raw vulnerability to him, like old fine china a feather-light touch away from shattering. Hugh had no idea what happened while he was gone, but he knew just by looking at Paul, small and emotional on the edge of their bed, that something was very, very wrong. And while Hugh almost desperately wanted to know what was bothering Paul so much, he also knew better than to pry. But Paul would talk about it when he was ready. And they _would_ be talking about it. But right now, Hugh was just willing to hold him tight and never let him go ever again.

But Paul pulled him from his thoughts. "Enough about me. What happened on the mission?"

It was just so like Paul to deflect like that, and Hugh couldn't help but smile. "I'm sure you'll hear a lot of it in our report, so I won't bore you with that. I met Gray."

He tried not to smile too largely at the expression on Paul's face. "You met _Gray_? As in, Adira's ghostly boyfriend Gray?" Hugh nodded. "Tell me _everything_."

"Well, where to start," Hugh began with a smile. "He's got blue hair, and though _here_ he's Trill, back _there_ he was a Vulcan, and he looked so awkward and adorable with those ears. He was nice, and kind, and loving, and everything Adira said he was. And he misses hugs. A little touch-starved since his death, which you can understand."

"Wow," Paul breathed, enamoured. "This is fascinating. I'd love to know more, but I suppose I should probably hear it from Adira."

"Yeah, that's probably for the best," Hugh smiled. 

After a moment, Paul's eyes crinkled by joy fell slowly into a sad, stoic expression. "I really missed you, so much. And I'm glad you're safe, but I want to apologise to you for trying to stop you from going. I understood why you had to go, but I was just... worried. I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't be," Hugh said gently. "I get it. And you were probably right. I just wanted to go and prove to myself that I was still useful on the ship and valuable to the crew after everything that's happened." Paul nodded in understanding. "But I'm satisfied. I think that I'm all adventured out for now."

"Glad to hear it," Paul smiled sweetly. He glanced down to where Hugh's hand was resting on his thigh. "Because I'm really not sure if I can go through that again."

Tutting, Hugh shuffled forward and wrapped his arms around Paul, gently pulling his head to his shoulder and softly carding his fingers through his hair. Immediately, Paul's arms wrapped tight around him. "Paul," Hugh murmured into his hair. "You can't keep saying that you're alright when it's obvious that something happened. You know that you can talk to me about anything."

"I know," Paul said into his skin. "But not tonight. You just got back. Let's enjoy this."

"But... tomorrow?" Hugh prodded hopefully. 

"Tomorrow," Paul promised. Through his tears, Hugh could hear him smiling. 

Sighing through his nose, Hugh just focused on Paul's familiar weight against him, his body fitting perfectly in the space of Hugh's own, like a puzzle piece. He was still shaking, just a little, and his lungs rattled as he struggled to draw breath. Hugh stroked his hand down the length of his back, strung taut like a wire, and rested his cheek against his shoulder. "That's tomorrow," he said. "What do you want to do _tonight_?"

Paul was silent for a moment, thinking carefully. "Just stay with me a while."

"I think I can do that," Hugh said as he gently detangled himself from Paul's side and moved around the bed.

They laid there for who knew how long, resting in darkness, close enough to feel each others breath ghosting across their skin, wrapped in the comforting warmth of the blankets, hand in hand, fingers intertwined and holding tightly. Paul's eyes were particularly bright in the darkness and seemed to stare into Hugh's very soul, piercing and deep and as beautiful as they always had been. Hugh thought he could stare into those eyes forever.

Hugh stayed there for as long as Paul needed him to- until his stuttered breathing evened out and Paul's eyes dropped shut in exhaustion and his fingers slightly loosened their hold on Hugh's hand, and Hugh just watched him in sleep, remembered every line of his face, how different he was from just moments ago. Fear and concern still bloomed in his chest like a slowly blazing fire, but just seeing Paul here, sleeping and calm and near him, helped diminish that fire. 

Placing a kiss on Paul's forehead, Hugh wrapped himself against his side and fell asleep after one of the most stressful days of his life to the sound of Paul's breathing and the warmth of his embrace. 


End file.
